Are you hoping to talk to your husband about some marital problems, but don’t want to create drama? Read on to learn how to make sure the convo goes well.
While there’s a prevailing wisdom that all couples fight, it’s not necessarily true. While all couples have marital problems, plenty of couples talk cooperatively in order to achieve the goal that they want. In order to maintain your partnership without breaking out into drama, you need to adhere to some simple rules about talking about issues.
Here are five ways to talk about problems in your marriage without being accused of being dramatic.
- Have a Goal In Mind
When you’re about to approach problems in your marriage, you need to have a goal or you’re going to be bringing up something that can get out of hand. When you bring up behavior that you don’t like or that makes you feel bad, it can get turned around on you. You need a specific goal to stay focused on.
If your problem is that your partner doesn’t communicate well, you can’t start just by telling them how you feel. You have to bring up a big issue like that with a place you want to get to.
Start by figuring out what you want. If you want your partner to tell you when they’re feeling jealous, you might have to just tell them that. By being direct, you make a potentially taboo and volatile subject less worrisome and more real.
When you bring this up with your partner, you make it clear what your goal is. So often, we get into discussions where we get lost in the much and want to scream “What are you getting at?!”. Things seem pointless and unnecessarily hurtful when they don’t have a goal.
Letting your partner know what your goal is can remind them that you love them and want to work with them.
- Be Specific
Very often, small discussions with our loved ones turn the wrong direction. A discussion that starts off about where to eat dinner turns into an existential argument about your relationship. If you haven’t stated your goal, as above, you can lose sight of where you’re headed.
Another thing that happens is that your partner will retort, asking when and where they did the thing you’re talking about. They will want to know specific details about when the problem occurred, where, what they were wearing, and what they had for breakfast. This is a defensive, if common, diversionary tactic.
If you can’t think of the last time this thing happened and you don’t have a goal in mind, you could be accused of starting drama. If you want to keep your marriage together and don’t want to be starting a fight with no purpose, you need to make your purpose clear and back it up.
It might make you feel a little crazy to keep it organized in your head, but it also helps you keep the train on the rails. Emotions can run high very quickly so keep the train on the rails with facts and your compass pointing at the goal.
- Ask Yourself if You’re Guilty of It
One thing that happens to couples over and over is that if the party starting the discussion could be accused of the problem, the whole thing can blow up. If you’re upset with your partner for spending too much money on clothes, you had better have a good reason if you did the same thing last month.
Make conversations a “we” conversation if that’s the issue. When you have marital problems that are connected to money, it can really put everyone on the defensive. Don’t let either of you fall victim to the defensiveness and instead be honest about your own faults.
It can make every space a safe space to open up when you’re the one to start the conversation by admitting your own problems. If you’re trying to save your marriage, don’t detonate it over something you do all the time.
- Find The Right Environment
There are a few basics when it comes to bringing up marital problems with your partner.
Before you start, you need to be in a neutral environment that doesn’t feel like it belongs to one of you more than the over. Don’t do it at one person’s workplace, their private study, or their personal space.
Make sure you have a private space to talk. If you live with roommates, don’t have the conversation in a shared common area where it can be awkward for everyone.
Also, don’t try to hash these things out when tensions are already heated. If you’re stuck in traffic, late for an appointment, or woke up on the wrong side of the bed, save the conversation for later. If your partner has just done the thing that infuriates you, wait a moment until you’re calm before responding.
- Be Ready To Listen
If you’re going to start a conversation about marital problems, you need to be in the right headspace. It’s on you to steer the conversation and make sure you’re not lecturing. While your partner might tell you what you want to hear, it might be just an effort to get out of the discussion.
You need to be in a place where you’re listening to your loved one’s responses. Depending on the subject, your loved one could get very sensitive and defensive. You need to mentally prepare for that in advance and know how you’re going to respond to them.
Put yourself in a place where you’re calm and happy to listen. The point of this conversation is to make the relationship better. You’re on the same team and if you want to be heard, you need to put in the effort you want to receive when it comes to listening.
Marital Problems Happen For Everyone
We are all imperfect and therefore we will all struggle to meet the needs of our partners. We all come to relationships with different experiences but marital problems can be resolved without pitting one another as our enemy.
Once you get through your issues, check out our guide to help renew your bond.