It’s true! I was a terrible mother. To be honest, I didn’t even like being a mother. Yup, it’s true. I felt like I wasn’t meant to be a mom. Like, everyone around me knew what they were doing and they did it with such grace. And here I was barely nineteen, married with a three-month-old and another on the way, when in reality I could hardly wipe my ass on my own! I felt like an alien!
The truth be told, I love my children, I do, I really do! But, back when they were still little and sucking the life out of me I resented them… Everything took a backseat to the kids, showers, eating, leisure time, your old dreams, the life you had prior to becoming a parent. Dreams that suddenly disappeared and were replaced with diaper changing, all night bottle feedings, non-stop crying, and those endless hours of waiting hand and foot on the entire family! I felt like I was living someone else’s life, I was on the outside, watching myself go though all these daily motions. I hated it! And I knew most parents didn’t feel the same way I did. They loved being a mom, they loved the all-nighters, and the endless feeling of being “needed” by someone.
Don’t get me wrong, my kids were well taken care of. In fact, I over compensated for my lack of the “motherly feeling” buy spoiling my children with material items on a regular basis.They had a clean home, nutritional meals prepared three times a day, fresh new clothes, and every toy their hearts desired. But still, they lacked what I would call a certain amount of affection. I didn’t feel affectionate. I didn’t fell like a loving mother “should” feel. I felt emotionless. I felt like a terrible parent.
I often wondered if my parenting friends felt the same way, or if I really were a heartless alien! I felt selfish with my lack of time, lack of self, where did I go and how did I get her. Having children wasn’t what I would call a thought-out process for me. It was more of an “expected” feeling I had. After all, all little girls grow up, get married and had babies. That’s what I thought I was suppose to do, So, I did.
Here’s the odd part. As I got older, I loved being a mom, and I was good at it. I regretted many things in my past parenting and wished I could turn back time. I still wish I could turn back time. My children all turned out very well adjusted and all have great careers with family of their own now. It’s ironic, I’m a grandma and I could not be happier. I love those little buggers. I only wonder why it took me so long to find that “motherly feeling”?