We’ve all had those neighbors from hell one time in our lives or another. Sadly, there’s really no way to escape bad neighbors; they’re going to pop up at some point in time or another. If you’ve had it up to here, why not follow this handy guide, which outlines ways that you can really annoy your neighbor. Don’t blame us if you have to move, but hopefully they’ll break first.
Step One
Let your dog always poop on their lawn. Apparently people don’t like this very much, so make sure that you train Rover to always do his business on the lawn first. Bonus points if you don’t pick it up, and super star points if you live right next door.
Step Two
Throw really loud and annoying parties on Monday nights. Neighbors love this. Extra points if you decide to call them at 1 AM and invite them over for the party, saying that “it’s just not the same without you and we miss you!” If they hang up, call back and say “I think you hung up, I hadn’t finished speaking yet!” Repeat until they lose their shit and call the police.
Step Three
Invest in a very, very loud car (perhaps a Torana?) and insist on working on it all the time. Make sure you pay particular attention to playing around with the engine and adjusting the throttle. Also, do this at weird and unusual times, perhaps early mornings on the weekend? Bonus points if your neighbors have a new baby. Ouch.
Step Three
In the middle of the night go into to the yard and move the fence line ever so slightly closer to their house. When they wake up in the morning and inevitably come over and confront you, deny any knowledge of this ever happening and tell them that they’re insane. Slam door in face. Best work for you if you answer the door covered in dirt and muck from what can only be fence moving duties. If you’re stuck for fence inspo, get some composite fencing ideas from the catalog you stole from their mailbox.
Step Four
This is a very easy one to do, but works to great effect. What you need to do for this particularly fiery trick, is to wait until your neighbor trims all of the lawn clippings, branches and – preferably – palm fronds from the garden. Wait until bin night where they will put invariably put everything out for collection. Fools. At about midnight you strike: go out and set the whole thing on fire then stand back and watch it burn. With a beer.And a chair.
Step Five
If your neighbor has a prized possession, plant, object or otherwise, make sure you do everything in your power to get someone to steal, deface, or otherwise throw shade it on. Another option here is to continually register objects from their house or yard for sale on eBay or gumtree, or perhaps set up a fake garage sale for their address every Saturday for a month, starting at 6AM. Boy will they enjoy the fun!
Step Six
Join a bikie gang and insist that all club meetings are held at your house, well actually, on the street, preferably at 3 AM on a Tuesday night, and preferably out the front of their house. Hold revving competitions with the bikers, and then all do wheelies and burnouts for fun. Yay!
Step Seven
Buy some chickens and set up your own hencoop in the garage. Oh, don’t worry, you won’t need any permits because the council will shut you down before long. But do make sure that your neighbors are light sleepers, as they will enjoy the clucks and chicken noises coming from your house at all hours. Oh boy will they thank you!
